february 3, 2002

Tonight my prayers were answered. Drew* was online. I don’t know what it means. I don’t know if it’s a sign—but I’m putting it ALL in God’s hands.

february 3, 2022

The boys went to bed wild tonight. They were amped up from folk dance night at the girls’ school and couldn’t turn their bodies or mouths or minds down once we got home. I finally got them into their respective beds when Sawyer announced from the top bunk that he needed to go to the bathroom. This frustrated me—I was this close—so I waited for him with my forehead resting against the side rail of his bed. I did not move for the entire two minutes he was gone. I knew I was likely to yell at someone if I did, so I spent the time asking God for patience to make it through bedtime without losing it on whoever happened to poke me over the edge.

About thirty minutes after the boys mercifully went to sleep, I prayed for the girls as I stood beneath their lofted beds. I asked God to give them rest and peace and the strength to be kinder to one another tomorrow. That last part was for me too. The day started out badly (someone was yelling and someone was in the fetal position which is never how you want to begin) and only got partway better by the end.

As I prayed for patience and kindness tonight, it struck me how often I expect these things to happen to me—that I’m hoping for some kind of out of body experience in which the fruits of the spirit pour forth without much work on my part. I pray for grace and ask God for help, but when it comes to action on my part, I find I am often still unwilling to do the hard work of self-control.

I spent a lot of my early years trying to find God in everything. He is in all things good, of course, and with us in all things, but I used to be a little superstitious about it—looking for signs and making more out of happenstance than I ever should have. I made God out to be some kind of genie who was granting whatever wishes I might have.

I wonder if my tendency is still to operate in this way? Quick prayers and passing thoughts are still easier after all.

That’s not the way of change though, and if I want to see my kids move toward kindness and patience themselves, they’re going to have to first see the growth in me. They’re going to have to understand that sanctification comes from God and also requires committed work on our part.

I still have a lot of questions about exactly what that work looks like, but questions aren’t such a bad place to start, right?

*name has been changed (which is a sentence I have always wanted to type)